iNsAnE_rEaLiTy

Out of the 20 rules of the Code of Professional Responsibility I was able to memorized the 15 provisions… I still need to memorize five more but my brain is suffering with information overload… I was able to surpass the first semester of my first year as a Law student. Saying I survived is too early because I still need to face countless hardships. Honestly, I am feeling that this is just the start.

Yesterday, we had 3 rounds of recitation with Atty. Amurao… blimey, it was horrible. I was vindicated to have a 95 in one of those recitations but just enough to have an average of 75.. whew I guess a passing recit will be a good start… darn… I felt helpless. At that very moment, I felt, God, is this really is it?

As much as I would want to stop, I simply can’t.  The reason is that I had once surrendered to battle which I haven’t started fighting, and believe me I regretted that decision. I don’t want to have that feeling again. Law school is so harsh but I am willing to fight for it. This is one of the battles I simply don’t want to lose.

More recitations to come… More case digests… But hell with them all… I know I can make it through…

Now, I’m recharged… I shall resume to memorize the 5 remaining provisions… Bow…

Dati sa Harry Potter. Grabe first year highschool nung nabasa ko yung HP at sobrang naadik ako. Simula nung nabasa ko yun every year nagpapabili ako nang book.

Book 2 bili ni Papa.

Book 1,Book 3, Book 6 and Book 7 from tita Lian.. mwaah tita love you so much

Book 4 bili ni Mama Neng

Book 5 pinagipunan ko

Imagine yung mga taong pineste ko para sa masunod ang addiction ko. Mga gabing hindi ko tinulugan para lang mabasa ko yung libro ng Harry Potter. Akala ko that will be the end of my addictions.

After narelease yung book 7 at nabasa ko within 1 1/2 days akala ko end na nun. Bumubili ako ng books, kila Nicholas Sparks and Paulo Coehlo, pero hindi ko na ganun mabilis natatapos ang kwento. Maganda ang plot ng bawat novels nila, its just that hindi katulad ng excitement na nakukuha ko sa HP and naibibigay nila.

Pinapaiyak lang ako ng book nila. Sa HP hindi. Tumatawa ako, umiiyak, nagagalit-amazing pero lahat ng emotions I think nailalalbas ko upon reading my HP books. Narealize ko maybe HP lang ang may pambihirang magic na ganun. Sobrang nalike ko yung HP at akala ko hindi na ko makakahanap ng books na tulad ng HP.

Nung lumabas ang Twilight sa movie.. I was not sure if I’m going to watch it. Actually I was not aware of Stephanie Meyer, maybe I became too biased with my addiction towards HP that’s why I forgot to see other potential books to dwell on. Deni was so persistent to watch the movie and buti nalang nauto niya ko. Positive ba yun on my part? Pero if I wasn’t able to watch the movie I would never appreciate such a masterpiece.

Imagine how I feltb after I watched the movie. I screamed at Deni and told her that I’m going to read the book. I think the good thing about having my own money is that I’m free to buy the stuffs I want. Yun nga ang nangyari.

Buying Twilight was never on my list when I entered the bookstore that night. I was about to buy a present for someone and saw the book. In that instant, I simply can’t let this opportunity to pass. I tried to rationalize things and told myself that I should not buy the book at that moment. But I guess I’m so weak to resist. I think I had found a new addiction.

I didn’t read the book immediately. Thank God I was so busy with work that I prefer to sleep when I came home from the office. When the break came, I started reading the book. Would you believe that I started reading the book at 6am and finished it at 6pm of the same day? That was indeed a new record for me. I never thought that I would be that astonished to a book that I did not even dare to take my hands of it.

I shout at every breath taking scenes. I cried over some melodramatic lines. I felt every word of it. I am simply head over heels with Twilight. I guess you thought after that I bought immediately the second book.

No. I had to restrain my self from doing so because I think it would not be healthy. I want to take some time to enjoy the book I just finished. I want to replay all the images in my head. I want to somehow feel every word in the book I read.

I just bought the second book yesterday. Thank God I got the second book that I didn’t get pissed of upon waiting in the LTO. Like the first book I didn’t spend so much time before I finished it.

I don’t have the 3rd book yet and I don’t know if when I’m going to buy it soon, but hopefully I will. I simply can’t wait. Am I a late bloomer? I know madami na ang nakabasa ng buong sequels. Pero kasi gusto ko din na somehow wag bilisan matapos ang addiction ko sa twilight kasi baka hindi ko na ulit mahanap kung ganitong feeling.

Oo may ganung feeling. Hindi ko gets ang nafefeel ko about it pero ganun eh. Every word ang sarap damahin. Ang sarap tuloy magkaroon ng vampire na boyfriend. Haha.

Siguro hindi lang dahil si Robert Pattinson ang gumanap na Edward kaya nagustuhan ko ang book. Love ko na si Robert Pattinson noon pa nung si Cedric Diggory pa siya. Haha. Amazing talaga ang character ni Edward believe me. Sorry ha dito ko nilalabas ang kaenjoyan ko kasi walang makarelate eh. Yung kapatid ko ngayon lang nagbabasa ng book and masaya kasi nakikita ko she’s enjoying it.

Pero sobrang gusto ko na makahanap ng makaksharan ko ng kabaliwan ko. Sana may isa man lang sa mga pinsan ko na matutunan ienjoy ang mga past time ko. Willing akong ibigay yung mga books ko. Ayy mali hiram lang pala. Kasi balak ko magkaroon ng library sa bahay eh. If you would see my books hayy.. Byide away nawala pa nga yung ibang books ko eh. Yung Da Vinci and Angel’s and Demons ko ay nawawala. Saaddd.

Pero sana makita ko pa.

So far gusto ko ishare ang ilan sa kabaliwan ko…

Twilight

Whenever we talked about it I always just give a smile to assure everyone I am fine with it. How can I smile if I was betrayed by someone whom I thought was on my side? But I simply smile. Why? Because I am thankful. I do not need to feel bad about her because there are others feeling that for me. I appreciate their care for me and I feel bad that she had ruined their trust. I am just thankful that I have them to support me in whatever I am feeling for her.

This is not the first time I shared my heart. I had entries containing my deepest aches in life. For years, I was wounded and in pain but I am always relieved because I had the chance to share them. Burdens became lighter as I found someone who would be willing to lift me up. Tears from sadness turned into laughters of joy as they make me realized how fun it is to live. Pains became tolerable as I had them to nurse me up. And for that, how can I not smile?

I am loved by people whom I consider my strength. I am fully protected with care. How can I fall if they are with me? I stood up many times because I know they had been there. But the circumstances today is not the usual thing. She had been one of my protector, not until she tried to harm me.

Now, would I be able to forgive her? I guess yes. Forgiving will always be there just let the wounds heal but trust is just a different story. I rarely shared details with people. I usually give the overview of things. I hate elaborations and explanations but when I did those things it only means you earned my trust. When I finally shared my heart and give you the full details of things then I trust you with my life.

I did trust her. I shared everything. I admitted my weaknesses to her. She had seen how frail I was. I thought that it was time to  move out of my shell and allow someone to see who the real me when in pain. I thought she would understand. But again I was wrong.

She used my frailties to show that I am weak. She wanted to disgrace  and made me look a loser. She pulled me down from were I stood. I was embarrassed. My name which I protected for years had been dragged down and now I am such a loser in everyone’s eyes.

I didn’t know that it was her strategy. Sometimes I hate myself for being gullible. This is the first time that I give them a glimpse of who really am and here’s what I get- a scratch in the back. I don’t want to fight over some petty things with you. I still respect you because above anything else we are both educated women.

If ever we will see each other, I would surely smile and look straight into your eyes because I did not do anything bad. I would not be a hypocrite and say I wish you all the best because your journey will not be that smooth and easy. People would surely judge  and laugh at you. Some may not understand  and say bad things about you. I cannot assure you that I would be willing to help you up. You made that mess so you should learn to fix them.

If you manage to be happy after all, then I would never feel bitter about it. Becasue surely I am happy also by that time. I still have a lot of things to accomplish. I would always stand up no matter how many times you put me down. You may have ruined my name for some but I do not care. They may laugh at me and do I care?

I do not need to prove my self to them. I do not need to justify the things I did. I do not need to regret the day I learned to trust you. One thing is for real, I may forgive you but I can no longer trust you. I can be civil but friendship is impossible. I can smile back when you greet me but I can never tell stories.

You had just shown to me your real self. I am not pathetic and desperate for doing those things. You are for doing this to me. I should have break my silence long ago and say what I felt. I simply feel sorry for you for being doomed after what happened.

I have move on with my life. I still have lots of things to accomplish. If you think that this is my way to get even then I say your wrong. I break my silence to release the pain you caused me and also to give them the assurance that I am still the same Hariette who knows how to make a say.

I know they had been waiting for this. I had forgiven you but I can never let myself to trust you again.

Nung bata pa ko alam ko ang favorite na cinecelebrate ko ay Christmas. ASide from the gifts na binubuksan ko, naeexcite ako pag Christmas kasi nakakapasyal ako sa iba’t ibang lugar. Masaya kasi kung hindi kami nagswiswimming, pumupunta kami sa mga amusement parks at nagpapakasaya. Natigil na nga lang yun nung wala na si Mommy tsaka umalis na din kasi sina Tita Lian at Tita Ims, pumunta na ng States. Also, madalas sa Aklan na kami nagChri-Christmas.

Kaya siguro in-aim ko ding mafeel ulit yung Christmas na nadanasan ko noon. Kaya siguro kahit magastos sobrang pinag-ipunan ko ang Christmas na to. Hindi ko man maulit na, I’m so glad I’ve made this special for my cousins. Sana napasaya ko sila dahil ako naging masaya talaga.

Happy din kasi nag EK ako with friends. Sobrang antagal na plano na to and nangyari na.

I’m so proud of myself kasi yung mga things na akala ko hindi ko kaya eh magagawa ko pala. Thank you Lord for all these blessings. Sobrang hindi to possible without your help.

After this break sobrang back to work mode na ulit ako. Isa nalang ang inaantay ko.. and sana makuha ko siya. Yun nalang ang hinihiling ko at sana mangyari na.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!! cheers!!!

I think I’m still in nostalgia. Still dreaming that I’m out there in the green fields of Miagao, feeling the soft breeze coming from the sea. I’ve been in UPV for the whole four years of my life. How can I ever forget that place?

In UPV, I’ve learned things that made me who I am right now. I thought I would regret my very decision of choosing to be there but I was wrong. I realized that UPV had taught me so many things and I would always be thankful of that.

I cannot fully retell everything. But I can only share some. These are my fondest and most treasured memories while I am in UPV. I hope I could share to you the feeling I felt, but hopefully you could atleast grasp some.

Are you ready?

DORM LIFE

They were my roommates for two years. Si Ate Zohra at Ate Nina, ahead sa amin ng one year. Ate Zohra is now I think taking her master’s while Ate Nina is working in Makati so as Herlie. Byide away, herlie is my batchmate. We have been room mates ever since first year college at Balay Kanlaon.

When Ate Nina and Ate Zohra graduated, Jaja and Ann became my roomates. They were one year younger from us.

I enjoyed their company very much. Si Jaja ang laging nanloloko sa akin about stuffs. Andaming imbento about sa akin. Si Ann naman isang isang sem ko lang nakasama, pero masaya. Makulit kakwentuhan. Masarap kasama. At laging may lovelife:O

My stay at GD will never be complete without these people. Madaming nangyari sa dorm. Masaya, malungkot, yung iba parang joke lang pero all of these taught me special lessons in life. God has His own reasons for making those things to happen. Thank you GD for being my home. Thank you room 16 for every thing. Thank you room 17 for letting ying yang stay while I’m away. Thank you for the memories and I will always be grateful for that.

Installment muna ang iba pa ha. I’m sort of tired na din eh.

Minsan iniisip ko pwede namang maging masaya nalang ako sa anong meron ako ngayon. Grumaduate na ko, may trabaho. Diba dapat ganun nalang. Pero bakit hindi pa din ako masaya? Nararamdaman ko may kulang pa din. Pero natatakot ako na punan yung kulang na yun. Ang weird ko. May gusto akong mangyari pero natatakot naman akong mangyari yun.

Nahihirapan akong mag-isip. Nahihirapan akong pumili kasi ang pinagpipilian ko ay dalawang bagay na mahalaga sa akin. Alam ko na kaya ko naman na pagsabayin. Mukha nga lang imposible pero kaya ko naman yun.

Ayokong magpadala sa sinasabi ng iba. Ganun kasi yung nangyari sa akin noon eh. Nagpadala ako sa sinabi ng ibang tao kaya mas lalong humina ang loob ko- in the end I gave up.

Hindi ako nagsisi nung nag give up ako kasi nakabuti naman sa akin yung nangyari after. Pero iba ‘to nagyon. All my life, eto lang ang ginusto ko. Wala akong ibang ginusto kundi makilala sa larangang to. Alam ko wala akong dapat ikatakot. Nasa likod ko ang family ko.

Gusto ko to hindi lang dahil gusto ng family o kaibigan ko. Gusto ko to kasi alam ko after I realize this dream alam ko mas magiging makabuluhan ang buhay ko. Hindi man nila maintindihan ang mga reasons ko pero malalalim din kasi ang pinanggalingan ng dream na ‘to eh.

For the meantime, I want to keep this reason by myself. I am praying na sana tama ang decision ko. Hindi naman ako pinabayaan ni Lord ever since eh, kaya alam ko hindi niya din ako pababayaan this time.

Pero I’m so sure na this is what I really want.

I had Acer for four years. My college had been sort of manageable because I have Acer. Acer helped me a lot. Alam niyo ba kung pano ko siya nakuha? Well, graduation gift. Since I will be staying at the dorm, I asked my father to give me a laptop. My father was generous for giving my request. Life was never been easier since Acer came.

Lahat ng reports and presentations kasama ko si Acer. Narinig na nga niya siguro lahat ng magaganda at pangit na comments ng mga professors ko. Siya ang laging kasama ko buong buhay ko sa kolehiyo.

Acer became the sole witness of my life. He saw my tears and frustrations. He felt my pain and lifeted me up. Kapag kasama ko si Acer, I am powerful. For me, just having him, I can achieve everything. I can meet all the deadlines and wala akong hassle. Basta pakiramdam ko basta nasa akin lang si Acer lahat kaya kong magawa at hindi ako nastre-stress.

Lahat ng addiction ko alam ni Acer. He’s the answer to my every whimps. Sagot sa lahat ng kailangan ko. This is the reason why I really love Acer. Pero sad to say, he has to go. Like a machine, Acer reach its limitation. As much as I would want him to stay, napapagod rin siya. At alam ko kailangan ko na rin siyang tanggapin.

Pero Acer salamat. Four years. Masaya at malungkot. Akala ko hanggang law school makakasama kita. Pero thank you kasi pinatapos mu pa yung thesis ko. Hanggang huli kasama kita.

I have Dell now. Hindi ko pa alam ang performance niya. Hindi ko rin kailangan icompare si Dell sa iyo. Pero I’m looking forward of establishing a friendship with Dell. Sana tulad mu, maging ganun din kareliable si Dell. Sana abutin niya din ang inabot mu. four years. Sana maging witness din siya ng buhay ko.

Acer. thank you for saving my life. My years in college were never been this amazing without your help. For sure, my friends would agree kasi sobrang nakatulong ka sa aming lahat. Hindi lang ang buhay ko ang tinouch mu, kundi pati ang sa kanila. Madami kang sinerbisyuhan and for that I give you a double thumbs up.

Acer. Gusto kitang kasama sa ginagawa ko pero kailangan mu na ding magpahinga. Dell, sana mas mapantayan pa natin ang nagawa ni Acer. Kaya natin yan. I’m looking forward to share my years with you.

August 8,2008… 888… Lucky daw ang araw na to. Start ng Beijing Olympics. But everytime this day would come I can feel pain. Its been six years. Six long years of living without you. There had been six Christmas without you. Six New Years had passed. Six birthdays na namin ang nagdaan. At six todos losantos na ikaw ang pinupuntahan namin.
I can still recall that morning. Clear pa din sa memory ko lahat. It was a great loss in my life. Ganun kita kamahal. Ok na naman kami eh, pero syempre I can’t help it. There are times I still wonder, what if your still here. Andaming what ifs, andaming sana. Pero lahat yun hanggang dun nalang talaga.
Iniisip ko bakit nga ba ganun? Pero I still have faith in Him. He has a good reason, minsan malabo pa sa atin pero in God’s time everything will be alright. She was the best gift I ever had. Her coming into my life was a blessing.
If oneday I’ll be meeting her again gusto kong sabihin na wala akong gustong baguhin sa buhay ko. I’ll still want her to be my Mom. I still want Toni and AJ. I still want everything I have right now. I still want my family.
I really miss you Mom. sobra. Ang hirap pala ng buhay pero thankful ako kasi I think naituro mo na sa akin ang mga mahahalagang aral ng buhay. May be applications nalang ang kailangan. Pero naghohope pa din ako na sana nandito ka pa din.
Kasi kahit gaano kasaya yung Christmas, New Year at birthdays namin, may kulang pa din.
Andaming nangyari at alam ko madami pang mangyayari. Pero tulad ng sinabi mu sa akin before nung nawala ako sa top ten, dapat hindi ako sumusuko. Alam ko naman po na hindi niyo kami pinapabayaan eh, madaming tao ang nagmamahal sa amin at umaalaga, for sure padala niyo sila para sa amin.
I love you. sobra. Thank you sa sobrang masaya at complete na 10 years ng buhay ko. You’ll always be my Mom and I’ll always be your daughter.

You asked me why I am still not into something. I smiled. You want to know why I continue to do everything on my own. You said that why don’t I let someone into my life so that I would have someone to be there for me. I know you care, but I can’t give back that exact amount of care that you’re giving. Why? Simply because I think I am not yet ready.

You told me he’s not worth the tears. That he’s just a coward ***hole who took advantage of my feelings. Maybe you’re right but its my choice. I choose to be foolish because I had believed that there would be a happy ending for us. But I was wrong and I paid for its consequences. I learned from that and I won’t fall for that same mistake again.

Thank you for waiting. Thank you for treating me special. Thank you for the care. Thank you for making me smile again.

What is left for me is nostalgia. I don’t pretend that I didn’t get hurt. I admit I invested a little emotion- just enough to penetrate through my nerves. Hindi naman matigas ang ulo ko eh. I know how to listen. Alam ko kung kailan dapat sumuko. Alam ko kung kailan talo na ko. Too bad kasi minsan lang ako pupusta natalo pa ko.
Wag na kayong malungkot final blow na to. This is my way of saying goodbye to that feeling. If ever may chance na mabasa mo, I did like you. I want to ask what happened, pero may point pa ba para itanong yun? I guess wala na.
Gusto kong sabihin na I treated you special. Hindi man halata, pero I made an effort to know you. A friend told me once that love has its own decree and it can never change what is not meant to be. I guess tama siya.
Dati sinasabi ko pa sa kanya- wala naman masama sa umasa, pero sometimes masyado nang masakit umasa pa and maghintay. Kailangan mo na din palang bumitaw dahil kailangan mung pahalagahan ang sarili mo.
Buti nalang mahal ko ang sarili ko. Buti nalang kahit tanga ako paminsan, nauuntog din ako.
You asked me what’s in you- hindi ko din alam. I liked you and I didn’t search for reasons. I was willing to take my chances with you. But our story didn’t end that way. We became strangers to each other and sobrang nasaktan ako.
Kahit pala friendship hindi na natin kayang ibigay sa isa’t isa. Ni hindi mu nga ako kayang ngitian. I’m not blaming you because I know may kasalanan din ako. Pero hindi ako ang unang nawala-just make things clear, kundi ikaw.
Sa mga nagbabasa, this is my page kaya hayaan niyo na ko.
Choice mung mawala and  I still waited. Gumawa ako ng effort para kahit papano masettle ang dapat masettle pero hindi ka willing. Ngayon ko napatunayan na lahat ng sinabi mu were all meaningless-nagalit ka pa nang hindi ako naniwala. What you’ve done is a proof that all you said were lies. Halos naniniwala na ako.  Masakit ba? ako din nasasaktan. Gaga lang talaga ako paminsan.
As always wala akong pinagsisisihan. Sincere ako sa lahat ng ginawa ko sayo because special ka sa akin. I liked you but I guess hindi ako karapat-dapat for you;p
Sa wakas, matatapos na din  ang pag-iisip ko about you. After this wala nang posts na about you. Masaya ako dahil kahit sa konting time nakilala kita. Masaya din ako kasi nasaktan ako-dati kasi opposite. Ikaw lang ang nakagawa nun. Haha. Sorry nalang maling tao ang trineat ko na special. Tao lang…
Pero sana years from now, if fate will give us a chance, sana magawa mo kong pansinin at ngitian. I am not expecting for a continuation because I accepted the fact na ang kwento natin ay tapos na, hindi pa man ito nagsisimula. I wish you well. I want you to be happy and safe. Goodbye.