iNsAnE_rEaLiTy

Whenever we talked about it I always just give a smile to assure everyone I am fine with it. How can I smile if I was betrayed by someone whom I thought was on my side? But I simply smile. Why? Because I am thankful. I do not need to feel bad about her because there are others feeling that for me. I appreciate their care for me and I feel bad that she had ruined their trust. I am just thankful that I have them to support me in whatever I am feeling for her.

This is not the first time I shared my heart. I had entries containing my deepest aches in life. For years, I was wounded and in pain but I am always relieved because I had the chance to share them. Burdens became lighter as I found someone who would be willing to lift me up. Tears from sadness turned into laughters of joy as they make me realized how fun it is to live. Pains became tolerable as I had them to nurse me up. And for that, how can I not smile?

I am loved by people whom I consider my strength. I am fully protected with care. How can I fall if they are with me? I stood up many times because I know they had been there. But the circumstances today is not the usual thing. She had been one of my protector, not until she tried to harm me.

Now, would I be able to forgive her? I guess yes. Forgiving will always be there just let the wounds heal but trust is just a different story. I rarely shared details with people. I usually give the overview of things. I hate elaborations and explanations but when I did those things it only means you earned my trust. When I finally shared my heart and give you the full details of things then I trust you with my life.

I did trust her. I shared everything. I admitted my weaknesses to her. She had seen how frail I was. I thought that it was time to  move out of my shell and allow someone to see who the real me when in pain. I thought she would understand. But again I was wrong.

She used my frailties to show that I am weak. She wanted to disgrace  and made me look a loser. She pulled me down from were I stood. I was embarrassed. My name which I protected for years had been dragged down and now I am such a loser in everyone’s eyes.

I didn’t know that it was her strategy. Sometimes I hate myself for being gullible. This is the first time that I give them a glimpse of who really am and here’s what I get- a scratch in the back. I don’t want to fight over some petty things with you. I still respect you because above anything else we are both educated women.

If ever we will see each other, I would surely smile and look straight into your eyes because I did not do anything bad. I would not be a hypocrite and say I wish you all the best because your journey will not be that smooth and easy. People would surely judge  and laugh at you. Some may not understand  and say bad things about you. I cannot assure you that I would be willing to help you up. You made that mess so you should learn to fix them.

If you manage to be happy after all, then I would never feel bitter about it. Becasue surely I am happy also by that time. I still have a lot of things to accomplish. I would always stand up no matter how many times you put me down. You may have ruined my name for some but I do not care. They may laugh at me and do I care?

I do not need to prove my self to them. I do not need to justify the things I did. I do not need to regret the day I learned to trust you. One thing is for real, I may forgive you but I can no longer trust you. I can be civil but friendship is impossible. I can smile back when you greet me but I can never tell stories.

You had just shown to me your real self. I am not pathetic and desperate for doing those things. You are for doing this to me. I should have break my silence long ago and say what I felt. I simply feel sorry for you for being doomed after what happened.

I have move on with my life. I still have lots of things to accomplish. If you think that this is my way to get even then I say your wrong. I break my silence to release the pain you caused me and also to give them the assurance that I am still the same Hariette who knows how to make a say.

I know they had been waiting for this. I had forgiven you but I can never let myself to trust you again.